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A Gang Of Squirrels Is Terrorizing A Canadian Convenience Store

There’s a lot of things in the modern world to be afraid of. The government’s surveillance programs grow larger in scope and reach. The threat of nuclear war roars back out of history to threaten us again. New strains of medicine-resistant diseases threaten to erupt into unmanageable pandemics. And squirrels steal our candy bars.

A gang of squirrels are now terrorizing a convenience store in Toronto. Luke’s Grocery is now the target of an ongoing harassment campaign by a group of local squirrels who have figured out that candy bars equal easy calories.

According to Paul Kim, the store’s owners, the squirrels frequently charge right into the store and head straight for the candy section, which they pilfer fearlessly.

“I always see them sneaking outside the door, looking in my store, and even right at me,” Kim reported to theĀ Toronto Star.

“They come in and take Crunchies, Crispy Crunch, Wonderbar.”

Lexicon Ninja
Lexicon Ninja

A YouTube account called “StopThatSquirrel DropThatBar” has popped up to document the crisis.

According to Kim’s daughter Cindy, “I think we’ve lost up to … 48-ish bars this fall season. That’s an extremely rough estimate, though, because we have no way of knowing when we’ve been robbed – they’re very sneaky.”

The Kims recruited the aid of the internet by posting videos of the squirrels in action to Reddit. Redditors suggested they keep the doors shut, but the Kims say they have to keep them open during warm months, or the store becomes too hot and they couldn’t afford the air conditioning bill.

The onset of winter buys them some time to come up with a plan to defeat the squirrels. But only time will tell which party shall emerge victorious, clutching a Nutrageous.

Shoplifting is a constant problem for convenience stores. But the Kims are up against a unique challenge. There is no precedent for dealing with criminal-minded rodents. They are organized. They are smart. They are adaptable. And they are coming.

It really begs the question – why don’t they just put the candy bars on higher shelves? But then, wouldn’t the squirrels win the spiritual victory? Sometimes in life, you are tested. And during those times, you can’t give an inch. The squirrels would take a mile.

Squirrels can pose a surprisingly significant threat to public health and safety if their numbers grow large enough. They have been known to form aggressive packs in public parks and perform “muggings,” stealing food from innocents. Hopefully the Kims don’t let it get to that point.

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